I’m not the most stubborn person in the world, but I’m sure, at the end of the day, those that know me could say I can be a stubborn ass. I’ve realized that in this last season I’ve become more stubborn. I think part of it is after a hurt, I can tend to “close the gates” a bit. It’s a self-protective measure but I really don’t want to become bitter or the guy that is known to be in a constant state of annoyed.
The peak of my stubbornness comes when someone wants to strongly encourage me to do something spiritual in nature. I want to lash out with strong language, to help that person understand that I will not follow their “advice” or “concern”. I’m not saying this is a good thing, I’m just speaking from current experience. To be honest I hate this in me. I want to listen when someone is placed in front of me by God and I have the opportunity to humble myself and listen. It’s perfectly okay to listen, and then let the Holy Spirit in me be the one to tell me what I should do.
A recent example showed up just Tuesday of this week. I was in a planning meeting with a couple other people, and as the team we were walking through the plan for the week. I was busy looking at facebook and checking my twitter feed…you know…important stuff. Typically my supervisor can see that I wasn’t paying attention and kindly leans over and ask me to engage. Whenever this has happened in the past year, no matter how politely I was asked to pay attention, I could feel everything in me want to lash out in anger almost in a childish “YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME” outburst. Thankfully I didn’t, but the emotion still remained.
This Tuesday, God was the one to ask me to pay attention, and again my first response was anger and then “Ugh, sorry God, why did I react that way?” After a bit of praying and asking, I remembered that my last boss would do similar things when I wasn’t paying attention. (you might sense a bit of an ADD pattern in my life…squirrel!) However this person would constantly show up to the meeting at least 30 minutes late and during the meetings wasn’t always paying attention. This made me feel entitled to do this myself and then get angry when I was called on it. I would change my tactics when called on my lack of attention, but stubbornly try to ignore when this person would speak. (yep I’m a 30-something child)
I know this all seems very childish…because it is. It reeks of entitlement and is not who I want to be. I wish I could say that I’m past it or grown out of it, but I’m not…yet. So at this point I’m taking baby steps towards humility.
I guess this means giving my supervisor permission to call me on it any time he wishes, but probably even easier…how about I pay attention!